"Gee, Officer Krupke"

music by Leonard Bernstein; lyrics by Stephen Sondheim

RIFF and QUARTET:
Gee, Officer Krupke, we're very upset;
We never had the love that every child oughta get.
We ain't no delinquents,
We're misunderstood.
Deep down inside us there is good!

RIFF:
There is good!

ALL:
There is good, there is good, there is untapped good.
Like inside, the worst of us is good.

SNOWBOY (imitating "Krupke") (spoken):
That's a touchin' good story.

RIFF (spoken):
Lemme tell it to the world!

SNOWBOY ("Krupke") (spoken):
Just tell it to the judge.

RIFF:
Dear kindly Judge, your Honor,
My parents treat me rough.
With all the marijuana,
They won't give me a puff.
They didn't wanna have me,
But somehow I was had.
Leapin' lizards, that's why I'm so bad!

DIESEL ("Judge"):
Right! Officer Krupke, you're really a square;
This boy don't need a judge, he needs an analyst's care!
It's just his neurosis that oughta be curbed.
He's psychologically disturbed!

RIFF:
I'm disturbed!

ALL:
We're disturbed, we're disturbed,
We're the most disturbed,
Like we're psychologically disturbed.

DIESEL ("Judge") (spoken):

RIFF (spoken):
Hey, I'm depraved on account I'm deprived!

DIESEL ("Judge") (spoken):
So take him to a headshrinker...

ACTION: Who me?

RIFF:
My daddy beats my mommy,
My mommy clobbers me.
My grandpa is a commie,
My grandma pushes tea.
My sister wears a mustache,
My brother wears a dress.
Goodness gracious, that's why I'm a mess!

ACTION ("Psychiatrist"):
Yes! Officer Krupke, he shouldn't be here.
This boy don't need a couch, he needs a useful career.
Society's played him a terrible trick,
Und sociologically he's sick!

RIFF:
I am sick!

ALL:
We are sick, we are sick,
We are sick sick sick,
Like we're sociologically sick!

ACTION ("Psychiatrist") (spoken):
In my opinion, this child don't need to have his head shrunk at all. Juvenile delinquency is purely a social disease!

RIFF (spoken):
Hey, I got a social disease!

ACTION ("Psychiatrist") (spoken):
So take him to a social worker!

RIFF:
Dear kindly social worker,
They tell me get a job,
Like be a soda jerker,
Which means I'd be a slob.
It's not I'm anti-social,
I'm only anti-work.
Glory Osky, that's why I'm a jerk!

A-RAB ("Social Worker"):
Eek! Officer Krupke, you've done it again.
This boy don't need a job, he needs a year in the pen.
It ain't just a question of misunderstood;
Deep down inside him, he's no good!

RIFF:
I'm no good!

ALL:
We're no good, we're no good,
We're no earthly good,
Like the best of us is no damn good!

DIESEL ("Judge"):
The trouble is he's lazy.

ACTION ("Psychiatrist"):
The trouble is he drinks.

A-RAB ("Social Worker"):
The trouble is he's crazy.

DIESEL ("Judge"):
The trouble is he stinks.

ACTION ("Psychiatrist"):
The trouble is he's growing.

A-RAB("Social Worker"):
The trouble is he's grown.

ALL:
Krupke, we got troubles of our own!

Gee, Officer Krupke,
We're down on our knees,

RIFF:
'Cause no one wants a fella with a social disease.

ALL:
Gee, Officer Krupke,
What are we to do?
Gee, Officer Krupke,
Krup you!

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